I spanked him.
And just as my hand left his perfectly plump cheek, I collapsed on the floor into a heaping pile of messy guilt.
No one ever tells you how hard this is.
You birth the child - which is a miracle of human anatomy in itself - but also such a short time period in the big picture that it is so easily forgotten. And then they sleep intermittently for the next year which makes you turn into this zombie-like, extremely bitchy creature wandering around wanting to tear faces off of anyone who doesn't greet you with a cup of coffee. But then they sleep and you soon do forget that tireless time as well. And then they are teething. And then all their teeth are in and they won't eat anything but applesauce and fruit snacks while watching Peppa the Pig on repeat.
My point is - This too shall pass. Each stage is a big deal and when it is 'figured out' we are on to the next
Brooks is my whole world and like, all the sun and the moon and stars - but he is the most difficult thing I have ever done.
And no one wants to say that.
I find myself staring at him often with tears rolling down my cheeks - Am I doing a good job? Will he end up a disaster? Will he find success and happiness and the ability to give back to this world? Did my short fuse for the last few weeks instill a feeling of hostility in him? Will he scream like I do sometimes? Do I pay enough attention to him? Do I say 'shit' too often? Do I answer to many emails on my phone when he is around? Do I spend adequate time practicing his sight words? Does he see enough or too much conflict in the home? Will he still want to be my friend when given the actual choice?
Am I enough as a mother?
Ya'll here is what I have concluded -
A. Our babes are born with unconditional love radiating from them. They love harder, and more fiercely that anything I have ever seen. And even when we fail, I am talking 'fall flat on your damn face' fail - they are staring you in your eyes and asking you to snuggle. They do not see us as anything but the most incredible.
B. We do not give ourselves enough grace. We hold ourselves to this insanely high, Pinterest worthy, all organic & grass fed, zero waste, no high fructose corn syrup, homemade valentines, and PTA president - all while working 40 plus hours an also trying to look the damn part. What. The. Hell. Ever. I am over it. We all need to take a step back - what do you think these babies are going to remember?
OUR LOVE. Say it with me - Our. Love.
We got to get back to the basics here.
When I laid collapsed in guilt on my sons floor after whacking his behind do you what to know what he did?
He ran to me.
He put both his little arms around me and hugged me and cried WITH ME all while repeating, 'I love you momma. It's ok momma. I'm sorry momma. You are my favorite momma.'
That my friend - is unconditional, unwavering zero doubts, absolute and total love.
Let's focus less on the wrongs and more on the rights. Let's allow ourselves room for error and remember that there is always tomorrow. Let's built each other up and quit the comparing game. Let's not forget that this job is HARD and that we must take time out to recharge and rebuild so that these little ones get a version of ourselves that is worth seeing.